What should I ask an elderly relative before they die?

Ask about their earliest memory, their parents and grandparents, the hardest year they lived through, what they are proudest of, and what they want the family to keep.

Is it upsetting to ask these questions?

Most people are pleased to be asked. The questions are about a life, not about dying, and answering a few a week is usually enjoyable.

What if there is not much time?

Ask the last five on this list first. If they can only answer a handful of questions, make them the ones nobody else can answer.

Questions to ask before it's too late

There is no warning before the last conversation. These are the questions families wish they had asked: about the early years, the people now gone, the decisions nobody explained, and what someone wants remembered.

Questions to ask them about their life

Start with the easy, concrete ones and work towards the harder ones over several weeks.

1.What is the earliest thing you can remember clearly?
2.What was the town or city you grew up in like?
3.What has made you cry with happiness?
4.Who was the most important person of your childhood?
5.What were you like at school?
6.What did you want to be?
7.What object of yours should stay in the family, and why?
8.What did your first job teach you?
9.What did you do in your twenties that shaped everything after?
10.What was your biggest risk?
11.What did you do on your birthday as a child?
12.What did you lose along the way?
13.Who did you love first?
14.What did that teach you?
15.What did you cook when you were learning to cook?
16.What has been your happiest stretch of years?
17.What has been your hardest?
18.What got you through it?
19.What is the kindest thing you have done for a stranger?
20.What have you built that you are proud of?
21.What work have you done that nobody sees?
22.What have you been wrong about?
23.What have you thrown away and regretted?
24.What have you changed your mind on?
25.What does a good day look like for you?
26.What do you do when you cannot sleep?
27.What has ageing taught you about your body?
28.What makes you laugh?
29.What makes you angry?
30.What do you find beautiful?
31.What do you think matters at the end?
32.What are you superstitious or particular about?
33.What do you always carry?
34.What food takes you straight back?
35.What did you save up for, coin by coin?
36.What place do you return to in your head?
37.What music has followed you through life?
38.What do you believe about why we are here?
39.Who was your first real friend, and what happened to them?
40.What have you learned about forgiveness?
41.What have you learned about money?
42.What have you learned about friendship?
43.What have you forgiven that you thought you never would?
44.What have you learned about grief?
45.What are you still curious about?

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Questions for the rest of the family

Ask everyone who knows them. What each person remembers is a different piece of the same life.

46.When did you first meet them?
47.What was your first impression?
48.What do their home feel like?
49.What do you call them, and why?
50.What do they look like to you?
51.What is their voice like?
52.What is their favourite place?
53.What do they always wear or carry?
54.What do they do first thing in the day?
55.What are they like in the morning?
56.What are they known for outside the family?
57.What are they like late at night?
58.What do they do when they are stressed?
59.What do they do when they are happy?
60.What habit of theirs do you catch yourself repeating?
61.What do they say when they are proud of someone?
62.What have they teach you?
63.What have you taught them?
64.How do they carry it?
65.What do they do for other people?

Collect the answers in one place

Go Family Story sends three of these questions a week by private link. The person answers with a free account, and every answer, photo, video and voice recording is kept in one private archive that only your family can see.

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Common questions

What should I ask an elderly relative before they die?: Ask about their earliest memory, their parents and grandparents, the hardest year they lived through, what they are proudest of, and what they want the family to keep.
Is it upsetting to ask these questions?: Most people are pleased to be asked. The questions are about a life, not about dying, and answering a few a week is usually enjoyable.
What if there is not much time?: Ask the last five on this list first. If they can only answer a handful of questions, make them the ones nobody else can answer.